Would You Like A Hug?
The value of emotional connection with our children
My three-year-old was standing before me, his little body tense, his hands in fists, and his brow furrowed. He was communicating to me non-verbally that he was very mad. I can’t remember what had happened to consume his little body with this emotion, but I do remember what I said and the impact it had on him. It went something like this:
I looked at this little person who had only been in this world for such a short time and I paused. I could have asked him what was wrong, why was he
so grumpy, and to cheer up but instead I got down to his level and I opened my arms to him, instead I found myself asking him ‘Would you like a hug?’
At the time what happened next took me by surprise. His face changed, his mouth and eyes turned down and he buried his face into my body as my arms wrapped around him. Then he cried. I didn’t say anything else, I just stayed with him in my arms until he felt better. I now know that I was providing a safe carriageway for the release of emotion that had overwhelmed him. It actually didn’t matter what the thing was that made him feel this emotion. For now, it was more important that I had connected with his hurting and in the process of acknowledging his emotion and holding him helped to move his big emotions of anger into sadness until he felt a calmness that allowed him to move on without me.
What actually just happened here?
Giving our children a safe place to land when they are consumed by big feelings is a transformative experience for both parent and child. Often we are quick to dismiss emotion and redirect our children back out into their world quickly with the false belief that focussing on feelings will not solve anything. This may look like ‘telling’ our children they will be fine, that they will have a nice time, they are missing out on the fun, it’s really not a big deal, to go join in or to be brave and stop crying. None of these responses are what our children actually need from us.
Why do we do this?
Sometimes we do things because they are automated reactions. That is, we get used to something and do not question why. Unless we stop, pause, and consider why we say and do the things we do we will be continuingly repeating patterns of behaviour that may not actually be serving us, or our children, in the current moment. Just because this is the way it has always been is not enough to make it right. Reflecting and questioning is the key to understanding and change.
Why is connecting emotionally with our children important?
When we are emotionally heightened, our ability to comprehend reason or logic is completely compromised. This is a neurobiological fact. Emotions need to be processed, or at least acknowledged, in the moment before we can regain control or composure over our thoughts and feelings. As parents our children are watching us and learning ways to regulate and soothe themselves by how we respond to them. If we dismiss their emotion they will learn to do the same. However, if we recognise and respond lovingly to our children’s big and small feelings they will be learning that they are lovable even when consumed with emotion. And that is a gift worth sharing…
Three Simple Steps to Connect:
Acknowledge emotion
Invite physical closeness or stay close
Respond compassionately and only problem solve only if requested or needed
If you are a parent and would be interested in support and guidance in your parenting journey take a look at our services, request an appointment or send us a message.
